If you’re like 34 million other women in America today, you have a problem and we are here to help. What to do when your husband finds you and those Amazon boxes in the garage? Lucky for you, we’ve compiled a list from some local experts on the subject. Here are our findings:
Start “sharing your feelings.” Any feelings at all. They don’t even have to be yours. They can be Barb’s from across the street. Something you heard in line at Chipotle. It’s like an invisible sword, so to speak. You’ll see him inch backward as you discuss Cynthia’s fight with her mom and how you relate to it on such a deep level. That somehow their words have “triggered” you and you are just working to get past it.
If he hasn’t run away screaming yet, you’re not trying hard enough.
Maybe pivot. Talk about “touch points” in your marriage. Bring up the re-fights. The old stuff you’ll never agree on. And certainly won’t today.
Still no luck? Fake empathy for global issues; ones that exist or don’t. Doesn’t really matter now, does it? You feel bad for the tick population in the Gobi Desert. How do they stay hydrated? This keeps you up at night.
Or pivot again to what I call Grand Ideas.
“Hey honey, hear me out. I saw this on Instagram. I think we could make a killing with cricket rodeos.”
Elaborate. You’ve done your research. You’re considering their future financial health. This is some cutting-edge stuff right here.
Still no?
Maybe ‘overwhelm the system.’ Go from topic to topic where he forgets he’s even in the garage. What a jerk Lucy’s soccer coach is. That noise you hear in the car even with the radio up. Why the HOA doesn’t like his camper in the driveway anymore. How you’d love it if they’d reboot Friends. And how research shows your cat Meowzart isn’t really ignoring you but meditating instead. Keep the topics numerous and unrelated of course.
If he’s still hanging in there, which, honestly, I’d be both shocked and impressed by, I’d go with logic. You were financially responsible and took advantage of Amazon’s Lightning Deals; that you know the algorithm by now and checked their lowest price tracker to make sure you got the best deal possible. That what you bought is for self-care or for his mom, if you married a mama’s boy that is, no offense. What you bought is basically an investment of some sort, the sort you make it, am I right? The emergency charcuterie board kit is an essential for the house. Unicorn pool float? Essential. Taco print pillow? Essential. Desk gnome? Essential. You are the Queen of Reason and he is a witness to your greatness.
Lastly, and this is extreme, keep an emergency box on hand. Doesn’t matter if it sits there for a year. Doesn’t matter what it is. This is critical. Keep one item just for him. Something indulgent. So when he pitches a fit about all the boxes… You. Open. That. One.
Voilà. Amazon boxes are a thing of the past…until Prime Day, when we meet again…
